End of the Year

Well here we are...we have finally reached the end of 2008. To say that this has been an eventful year for me would be an understatement, and I can only hope that is a good thing. I've rode a roller coaster of emotions this year, and unfortunately that ride has ended on a very large down hill slide. However, as with every new year, there comes with it the hope that we can turn things around; that we can realize our dreams in 2009.

My dreams have been several years in the making and, I will admit, it has taken many sacrifices on the part of those close to me to help me get there....many times, even more sacrifices that I have had to make myself. This is not something I am proud of, and it is my largest goal in the new year to take my life changes and desires under my own responsibility.

The good news that I can take away from 2008 is that I have a much clearer vision of what I would like to do with my life. Although I have bounced around since graduating high school, I have learned that the expectations placed on me by family and friends are meaningless if they do not align with my own desires....and most of the time, they do not align much at all. However, my family has fought through their own desires for my life, in support of my pursuit of happiness, and I finally feel like our efforts have started to pay off.

I know now that, at least on a large scale, the career field I have chosen was the correct one for me. I have since struggled with choosing a specialty (a necessary evil for someone in my field with practically zero experience,) but I at least have spent this year gaining some knowledge of the field. And although each passing day that I spend in my current position brings me closer to a life that I do not want to lead, I know that if I am willing to put in the work, I can get to a place where I am happy. This one step- being able to at least see the beginnings of the path I need to take, even if I may not know exactly where it leads- is one of the most important realizations I have ever came to in my life.

But what is the next step for me? I already feel like I am coming to another crossroads in my life; one that I have seen in the distance for some time. And even though I have had quite some time to consider, it is a difficult task to make such a large decision...no matter how much information you gather.

My decision boils down to two basic options: I can stay in this area and search for a position where I would be able to make a little more money (or perhaps pick up a part time job with a few more hours.) Or, I can pack up my things and move to another part of the country. Each decision has a long list of pros and cons involved, but I can't help but think that it comes down to how much change I really want in my life. Do I want to go to a place where I will start completely fresh, and build a new life from scratch? Or do I want to do the extensive and tedious polishing of my current life that would be required to get to where I want to be?

One of the things that has always been true of me is that I hate monotony. I welcome change, and I welcome it by the bushel. In most cases, however, these changes have placed enormous strain on those around me...and it was not until this year that I realized that I should not do that anymore. But just how big of a change can I really take? Do I only welcome change because the core of my life has always been intact? It's easy to wipe the surface off and start fresh, but what happens when you start to dig underneath? Am I ready, or do I even really want THAT much change?

Unfortunately, there is no answer to that question that can be found without actually experiencing it...and this may be the one factor that pushes me towards taking the leap. Because at worst, I am miserable with my new life for a while, and I come home to repair my old one. But at best, I find out something about myself that can be a catalyst for bigger, better changes in my life.

In the spirit of celebration, then, I will offer two New Year's resolutions that I intend to keep this year. First and foremost, I will treasure those close to me...those that have sacrificed much so that I may pursue my dreams. I will do this by taking full responsibility for my actions, and by respecting the sacrifices they have made to help me to find my path. Second, I will have the courage to make the big changes in my life; the ones that will require my own sacrifice above all else. And hopefully, at the end of 2009, I will be able to say that I am happy with my life....whether it be new or old.