Well here we are...we have finally reached the end of 2008. To say that this has been an eventful year for me would be an understatement, and I can only hope that is a good thing. I've rode a roller coaster of emotions this year, and unfortunately that ride has ended on a very large down hill slide. However, as with every new year, there comes with it the hope that we can turn things around; that we can realize our dreams in 2009.
My dreams have been several years in the making and, I will admit, it has taken many sacrifices on the part of those close to me to help me get there....many times, even more sacrifices that I have had to make myself. This is not something I am proud of, and it is my largest goal in the new year to take my life changes and desires under my own responsibility.
The good news that I can take away from 2008 is that I have a much clearer vision of what I would like to do with my life. Although I have bounced around since graduating high school, I have learned that the expectations placed on me by family and friends are meaningless if they do not align with my own desires....and most of the time, they do not align much at all. However, my family has fought through their own desires for my life, in support of my pursuit of happiness, and I finally feel like our efforts have started to pay off.
I know now that, at least on a large scale, the career field I have chosen was the correct one for me. I have since struggled with choosing a specialty (a necessary evil for someone in my field with practically zero experience,) but I at least have spent this year gaining some knowledge of the field. And although each passing day that I spend in my current position brings me closer to a life that I do not want to lead, I know that if I am willing to put in the work, I can get to a place where I am happy. This one step- being able to at least see the beginnings of the path I need to take, even if I may not know exactly where it leads- is one of the most important realizations I have ever came to in my life.
But what is the next step for me? I already feel like I am coming to another crossroads in my life; one that I have seen in the distance for some time. And even though I have had quite some time to consider, it is a difficult task to make such a large decision...no matter how much information you gather.
My decision boils down to two basic options: I can stay in this area and search for a position where I would be able to make a little more money (or perhaps pick up a part time job with a few more hours.) Or, I can pack up my things and move to another part of the country. Each decision has a long list of pros and cons involved, but I can't help but think that it comes down to how much change I really want in my life. Do I want to go to a place where I will start completely fresh, and build a new life from scratch? Or do I want to do the extensive and tedious polishing of my current life that would be required to get to where I want to be?
One of the things that has always been true of me is that I hate monotony. I welcome change, and I welcome it by the bushel. In most cases, however, these changes have placed enormous strain on those around me...and it was not until this year that I realized that I should not do that anymore. But just how big of a change can I really take? Do I only welcome change because the core of my life has always been intact? It's easy to wipe the surface off and start fresh, but what happens when you start to dig underneath? Am I ready, or do I even really want THAT much change?
Unfortunately, there is no answer to that question that can be found without actually experiencing it...and this may be the one factor that pushes me towards taking the leap. Because at worst, I am miserable with my new life for a while, and I come home to repair my old one. But at best, I find out something about myself that can be a catalyst for bigger, better changes in my life.
In the spirit of celebration, then, I will offer two New Year's resolutions that I intend to keep this year. First and foremost, I will treasure those close to me...those that have sacrificed much so that I may pursue my dreams. I will do this by taking full responsibility for my actions, and by respecting the sacrifices they have made to help me to find my path. Second, I will have the courage to make the big changes in my life; the ones that will require my own sacrifice above all else. And hopefully, at the end of 2009, I will be able to say that I am happy with my life....whether it be new or old.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Guess you can't fight your nature
It's been a long time since I've had a girlfriend.
I'm not sure what it is, but as of late, I've struggled mightily with women. The odd thing is, I possess most of the traits that women seem to want in a man. I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm confident, I can be kind of a dick, etc. However, when it comes down to it, I always somehow manage to screw something up.
I'm sure a large part of my lack of success comes from my beliefs. For example, I loathe the time-honored tradition of men chasing women. Even with all the fighting for equality we've seen recently, it still seems that 98% of the time, men are forced to prove themselves as worthy partners for a woman. Rarely, if ever, will you see a woman chasing around another man...and even if you do, it's likely the man has already proven himself by being in a position of power, being a celebrity, or something similar.
Because of this belief, every time I approach a woman I am fighting my own moral values. Am I only talking to her because I want to prove I am "worthy"? Am i structuring my conversation in a way that would make her think I am desirable, even if it means not being totally honest? Am I placing too much emphasis on her beauty? Despite my constant attempt to change, the very nature of man has me answering "yes" to most of these questions.
I believe that years of facing this conflict, coupled with a few bad experiences with past relationships, have virtually closed me off to the possibility of letting another woman into my life. And the problem is, I think women can intuitively know this when we are talking. Or at least I hope that is the issue. I immediately come across badly, and I struggle to change that image of me.
Of course, after years of dealing with this, I am used to being single. However, as of late I've began to feel pretty lonely. Most of my friends have moved away, and the few that I have remaining are either in serious relationships or have dated consistently for several years. The weight of these influences has finally started to take it's toll on me, and recently it's all I can think about. How can I turn my image around and become attractive to women once again? I can only hope the answer will come to me soon. But even more importantly, I hope the answer won't make me choose between my moral values and my genetic desires.
I'm not sure what it is, but as of late, I've struggled mightily with women. The odd thing is, I possess most of the traits that women seem to want in a man. I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm confident, I can be kind of a dick, etc. However, when it comes down to it, I always somehow manage to screw something up.
I'm sure a large part of my lack of success comes from my beliefs. For example, I loathe the time-honored tradition of men chasing women. Even with all the fighting for equality we've seen recently, it still seems that 98% of the time, men are forced to prove themselves as worthy partners for a woman. Rarely, if ever, will you see a woman chasing around another man...and even if you do, it's likely the man has already proven himself by being in a position of power, being a celebrity, or something similar.
Because of this belief, every time I approach a woman I am fighting my own moral values. Am I only talking to her because I want to prove I am "worthy"? Am i structuring my conversation in a way that would make her think I am desirable, even if it means not being totally honest? Am I placing too much emphasis on her beauty? Despite my constant attempt to change, the very nature of man has me answering "yes" to most of these questions.
I believe that years of facing this conflict, coupled with a few bad experiences with past relationships, have virtually closed me off to the possibility of letting another woman into my life. And the problem is, I think women can intuitively know this when we are talking. Or at least I hope that is the issue. I immediately come across badly, and I struggle to change that image of me.
Of course, after years of dealing with this, I am used to being single. However, as of late I've began to feel pretty lonely. Most of my friends have moved away, and the few that I have remaining are either in serious relationships or have dated consistently for several years. The weight of these influences has finally started to take it's toll on me, and recently it's all I can think about. How can I turn my image around and become attractive to women once again? I can only hope the answer will come to me soon. But even more importantly, I hope the answer won't make me choose between my moral values and my genetic desires.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Why must we fit the mold?
The vice president at the company for whom I work spend a good half an hour with me today discussing my future within the company. While most of these discussions end badly, this one was basically a 30 minute suggestion on why I should get my engineering degree, so I can move up further and make more money than I ever could with an Associate's Degree. He gave me the usual speech about how smart I am, and how much I could be doing with my life, and so on and so forth.
While his intentions were good, he told me nothing I haven't heard several times before. I've spent the last five years of my life being told that I should become an engineer. And I avoid the debate, because I know if I told them what I was thinking, they wouldn't understand. They would call me lazy, they would mark my lack of motivation, and they would despise me for not using my birth-given talents to my full potential.
But the truth of the matter is this: I don't want to be an engineer. I've spent two years at universities pursuing an engineering degree, and the one thing I've learned is that I don't want to lead that life. The year I've spent on the workforce, using my two-year degree, has confirmed that very same sentiment. Put plainly, I think the job that 99% of engineers perform, while necessary and very beneficial to the economy, is boring. And yet, I am pushed to pursue that lifestyle by everyone who knows me, mostly because of two major beliefs: that you should try to rise as high as you can in the workplace, and you should try to make as much money as you can.
Now granted, being an engineer would provide me the opportunity to rise quite high within any company I choose to work for. Additionally, being an engineer would make my financial issues much easier to manage. But the question I want to ask everyone is "At what price?" Is it really worth it to go to a job everyday that you don't enjoy, just so you can have a nicer car or house? Does it pay to be bored with 50% of your waking hours, just so you can buy more expensive jeans? I am, more than most, a person who hates the 8 hour workday. Would I really want to work another couple hours every day, just for a little more financial security? I just don't think it's worth it.
The ironic thing is that this is generally frowned upon. It is so emblazoned into our minds, even in grade school, that we should do our best at all times, that anyone speaking out on the contrary is looked down on. Few people will pause to realize that "lack of motivation" is, more often than not, merely a desire for a relaxed lifestyle. If someone is making enough money to get by, and they choose not to take on any more responsibility, they are generally scorned for their decision. In reality, however, this person has just chosen comfort and free time over fast cars and expensive toys.
The problem is that there is no distinction between what those "toys" are. In our society, an eye-opening trip to another country is often times more difficult to realize than buying several unnecessary articles of clothing. Most Americans will spend more in a year on McDonalds than they will in a lifetime on things that will truly help them grow as a person.
And this is the issue that I face: I have so many things that I want to do, and most of them don't involve ultra-modern technology, exotic transportation, or expensive clothes. And yet, because I'm not willing to sacrifice a job I enjoy in favor of one that pays well, I will not be able to do the things I want to do in my life. This just goes to show you that in America, despite popular belief, you can't have your dreams and live them too…
While his intentions were good, he told me nothing I haven't heard several times before. I've spent the last five years of my life being told that I should become an engineer. And I avoid the debate, because I know if I told them what I was thinking, they wouldn't understand. They would call me lazy, they would mark my lack of motivation, and they would despise me for not using my birth-given talents to my full potential.
But the truth of the matter is this: I don't want to be an engineer. I've spent two years at universities pursuing an engineering degree, and the one thing I've learned is that I don't want to lead that life. The year I've spent on the workforce, using my two-year degree, has confirmed that very same sentiment. Put plainly, I think the job that 99% of engineers perform, while necessary and very beneficial to the economy, is boring. And yet, I am pushed to pursue that lifestyle by everyone who knows me, mostly because of two major beliefs: that you should try to rise as high as you can in the workplace, and you should try to make as much money as you can.
Now granted, being an engineer would provide me the opportunity to rise quite high within any company I choose to work for. Additionally, being an engineer would make my financial issues much easier to manage. But the question I want to ask everyone is "At what price?" Is it really worth it to go to a job everyday that you don't enjoy, just so you can have a nicer car or house? Does it pay to be bored with 50% of your waking hours, just so you can buy more expensive jeans? I am, more than most, a person who hates the 8 hour workday. Would I really want to work another couple hours every day, just for a little more financial security? I just don't think it's worth it.
The ironic thing is that this is generally frowned upon. It is so emblazoned into our minds, even in grade school, that we should do our best at all times, that anyone speaking out on the contrary is looked down on. Few people will pause to realize that "lack of motivation" is, more often than not, merely a desire for a relaxed lifestyle. If someone is making enough money to get by, and they choose not to take on any more responsibility, they are generally scorned for their decision. In reality, however, this person has just chosen comfort and free time over fast cars and expensive toys.
The problem is that there is no distinction between what those "toys" are. In our society, an eye-opening trip to another country is often times more difficult to realize than buying several unnecessary articles of clothing. Most Americans will spend more in a year on McDonalds than they will in a lifetime on things that will truly help them grow as a person.
And this is the issue that I face: I have so many things that I want to do, and most of them don't involve ultra-modern technology, exotic transportation, or expensive clothes. And yet, because I'm not willing to sacrifice a job I enjoy in favor of one that pays well, I will not be able to do the things I want to do in my life. This just goes to show you that in America, despite popular belief, you can't have your dreams and live them too…
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