Embrace the breakdown

Leaving tomorrow...

2010-04-25T21:16:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow morning I head down to MEPS to start the process of shipping out for BMT. I ship out Tuesday afternoon, but tonight will be the last night I spend in this house for quite some time. What I said last month about feeling that this is the right decision still holds true, but I am well beyond the point where decision-making is going to play a role; I am going to the Air Force, and there are no two ways about it!

Perhaps the fact that the decision is now out of my hands has something to do with my state of mind right now. Or, perhaps it's just that this change is of such great magnitude that I am incapable of fully absorbing it. Whatever the reason, I can say for certain that the fact that I'm leaving has not fully set in. Not even close. I'm much calmer and subdued than I thought I would be. That could very well change as I'm signing my final contract tomorrow, but for now I feel good.

Regardless of my emotional state, it's been very helpful to look back on my past posts and see how my thought process has progressed throughout this process. I can't wait to sign back on in a few months and see how much I've changed....until then, so long!

Two-month Update

2010-03-03T07:36:00.000-08:00

So it's been almost two months since I found out what job I'll be doing in the Air Force. That means I am about halfway through my waiting period between the day I found out and the day I leave for BMT. Time sure does fly!

I'm writing now because a few months into any major decision is usually the first time I start having my second thoughts about it. Typically, it takes about this long for me to start seeing the depths of my decision. And while it will still be a long time before I know the "down and dirty" aspects of my future job, the fact that I am leaving home and setting off on my own has definitely had time to set in.

So how do I feel about it? I'd be lying if I said I haven't had ANY second thoughts about my choice. There are brief times when I think "what the hell am I doing?" However, the important word there is "brief." Any time I think like that, I can quickly access my mental list of reasons why I'm doing this, and answer the question that usually causes me so much distress: Is this the right choice?

Two months into my knowledge of my future, I am happy to say that I still feel I made the right choice!

A clearer picture of my future

2010-01-20T09:37:00.000-08:00

I recently got great news: I have secured a position as a loadmaster in the Air Force! I will leave for Basic Training (BMT) on April 27th. By this time next year, I should be completing my on-the-job training, and headed towards my first duty station...from which I will travel all over the world delivering troops and supplies to those in need.

I am extremely excited to begin this new adventure, even with the many challenges I will face. And equally as exciting is the fact that I recently discovered the key to dedicating myself to successfully completing my training...which I felt would be the hardest obstacle in this process, considering my documented problems with motivation.

After speaking with a clinical psychologist (thanks Reddit!) I have identified the major causes for lack of motivation. Anytime in my past that I've tried to motivate myself to do something, it has been difficult because I could never quite see the end of the road. While, on some level, I knew my work would have a positive outcome, there was never a tangible thing that I could point to and say "THIS is what I've been working towards." In college, for example, I knew that having a degree could be helpful to me. However, the degree itself was never something I desired, and there was no guarantee of success afterwards. Because of this, I struggled to motivate myself.

However, with my future in the Air Force, I can easily point to a number of direct benefits that completing my training will afford me. Most importantly, I have a vivid image that sums up what I hope to achieve with my career, and a clear path to that image. Because of this, it is much easier for me to motivate myself to work towards this goal, even though the path will be much more difficult than some of my goals in the past.

I certainly have a long way to go, and I have merely scratched the surface of what a life in the Air Force will entail. However, I remain hopeful that the outcome of my training will be a rewarding couple of years, and perhaps even a rewarding career. And I plan on dedicating myself wholeheartedly to that hope.

End of the Year

2009-12-30T11:33:00.000-08:00

At the end of 2008, I wrote a post discussing the changes I went through that year, and the things I hoped to achieve in 2009. In the same spirit, I'm going to review the past year to see how well I did in keeping with 2009's Resolutions, and make some more for 2010. Here goes.....

By the end of 2008, I had spent slightly more than a year in the workforce, and I had already realized that it wasn't totally for me. I said at that time that my career choice was correct, and I can understand even now why I felt that way. I have since realized, however, that it would take a large amount of luck for this career to truly help me reach my life goals. While I do enjoy design, I now believe that it is best that I practice it as a hobby, not a way of life.

Therefore, much of my 2009 was spent researching various ways to alter my life's path so that it would help me achieve as many of my goals as possible. After identifying the things I most wanted to achieve, I looked into becoming a flight attendant, then looked into private aviation schools, and finally found an appropriate solution in a place that I had already experienced to a small degree: the Air Force. And then, after several months of doctorate-worthy research and planning, I finally had the courage to enlist in December. As I said last year, the decision came down to whether or not I wanted to start completely fresh, and I have decided that that is precisely what I want to do. The only difference is that instead of just moving to a new city and trying to find happiness, I am doing something that will fulfill many of my live-long dreams, and letting the happiness come naturally.

It's important to note that making a decision of this magnitude took a lot more courage than I am used to putting forth. And because of that, I am going to consider the courage portion of my 2009 resolutions a success. The other half of my resolution was respect. I wanted to respect the sacrifices that my family and friends have made for me, by taking full responsibility for my life. I can think of no greater way to take responsibility than by making a life-altering decision from which you can not back out. However, there were plenty of instances in 2009 where I could have showed much more courage, and times where I should have put others before myself. Therefore, despite relative success, I will continue to build upon the progress I made on my 2009 resolutions.

But what about 2010? This year holds a lot of unknowns for me, so it is difficult to plan too far ahead. If all goes well, I will be writing my 2011 resolutions from a laptop on a plane in some foreign country. But regardless of the uncertainty inherent in the military, nothing good will come from this unless I am completely dedicated. Therefore, my 2010 New Year's Resolution is to maintain a steadfast dedication to every decision I make. This will manifest itself most obviously in my new career field, as it will take my full dedication to complete my training successfully. However, I will attempt to dedicate myself wholeheartedly to everything I do, in every aspect of my life. This will not be an easy task for someone who struggles with motivation, but it is one that will be necessary if I am to succeed at fulfilling my dreams.

2009 was certainly one of the most eventful years in my life, and I truly hope 2010 will be so, too. Happy New Year, and may you have nothing but success in fulfilling your resolutions as well!

Politically Incorrect? Good.

2009-12-21T15:45:00.001-08:00

I have a confession to make...I'm a faker. Anytime I'm in a discussion with a friend about politics, I'm shooting from the hip.

Truth is, I know nothing about government. And I'm very grateful for that.

Many of my friends spend a considerable portion of their free time reading this magazine or that, and learning where our various leaders stand on certain issues. Many of these friends, whether they mean to or not, look down upon those of us who choose not to stay up on the political landscape of our country. If I were to tell many of my friends that I don't know the first point of debate on the current healthcare bill, they would look at me like I just sprouted a third arm. But truth is, I know very little about this bill (and, as far as I know, my arm count remains at two.)

So the question is: why? Why do I ignore such a huge portion of modern culture? And the answer is easy for me. I think it's pointless. Now, before you get defensive, please don't read too much into that. I don't believe that politics, as a whole, are pointless. I just think that listening to politicians, and reading articles, and following debates is pointless. Furthermore, I think listening to TOO much political talk actually hurts you more than it helps. Let me explain.

I have friends on varying levels of political know-how, and I've noticed a trend developing. The friends who are more knowledgeable of the political landscape become increasingly good at categorization. This idea is too liberal, that idea is too conservative. The other idea is socialist, and that's terrible. It appears that good political debaters are nothing more than good categorizers. Once they become good enough, they get an idea of where they should categorize themselves...and that's where the problems start.

Because once you've placed yourself in box, you find it difficult to think outside of it. Any new decision that is placed in front of you is now seen only through the lens of your box, and you follow your box's leaders wherever they may take you. The danger here is obvious: by categorizing yourself as a member of a certain box, you automatically give up some of your right to form an opinion, even if it's at an unconscious level.

I don't like that. I prefer my opinions come from my very own mix of heartfelt morality and logical reasoning. And I have found that my views hardly ever fit into one nice, neat box. But that's good, because I can peek into other boxes and see if I like them better..and all without fearing that I will anger someone back in my box. And while it may be far-fetched, I like to think that if our elected leaders subscribed to that philosophy, rather than concerning themselves about how their choices will please the members of their box, we could solve a lot of our problems a LOT quicker.

Hurry up and wait...

2009-12-17T06:40:00.001-08:00

Well, I wasn't able to write the letter from my last post in 'a couple of weeks' as I had hoped....but it's looking more and more like I will be able to write it eventually, and THAT is the important part.

Since that posting, I have taken great steps towards my goal. I have passed the physical (including the daunting depth perception test) and I have swore into the Delayed Enlistment Program. Now, I am waiting for a slot to open up in one of the four job areas I was required to list, and I am hopeful that I will have more information to report by January.

I still have many obstacles to overcome. However, as I have said before, this is the first time in as long as I can remember that I have felt truly motivated towards a goal. While I have yet to have to really sacrifice for this goal, I have made tremendous leaps in that department. The 20 pounds that I lost to make weight, by itself, was much more sacrifice that I have made in a very long time. I now know that if I keep my goal in mind, I am capable of much more than I have ever shown before.

And that's a good realization to have, because I WILL have to sacrifice to get to where I want to be. The further I get into the process, the more I realize how much work I will have to put in. But the good news is that I am still prepared to do it.
So again I will offer some advice to a future me in despair: If the path you're on seems a little too rocky, don't forget to look up to the light at the end of the road.

A letter I hope to write in a week or two...

2009-10-06T09:50:00.000-07:00

To all my close friends and family,

I have recently made the decision to enlist in the United States Air Force. After speaking at length with a recruiter and several current Airmen, I have secured a position as a loadmaster, and I will leave for Basic Training early next year. After my training, I will spend the next four years on board either a C-17 or a C-130 aircraft, traveling all over the world to deliver supplies and troops to those in need. This was not a decision that was made lightly, and I want to take a moment to explain my reasoning to everyone whom I truly care about, in the hope that I can ease concerns many of you may have.

This choice has been over 4 years in the making, dating back to my decision to join the Air Force ROTC program at Pitt. At that time, I knew that the Air Force would provide me with opportunities that no civilian company could. Ultimately, however, I did not feel completely prepared to make the long commitment required of an aviation officer.

After spending nearly two years in the civilian world, I have gained a much clearer vision of my future. It has become increasingly clear to me that the risks involved with my enlistment are greatly overshadowed by the numerous lifetime goals that this decision will help me achieve. These goals- traveling the world, flying on a regular basis, working in an ever-changing environment, staying in great shape, and gaining experience that will help me for the rest of my life- can all be fulfilled by this lifestyle, and all that is asked in return is a four-year commitment.

Please understand, though, that I am not taking this commitment lightly. Even now, I am not completely sure that this will be a life I will fully enjoy at all times. In fact, I may even have moments where I question my decision-making....and this is where you come in.

As the people who matter most to me, it is your opinion that I hold highest, and your support that I cherish the most. I am sure you can imagine the great amount of uncertainty and anxiety that go into the choice to leave everything you've known for the past 24 years. In that light, I would ask that you give me your undivided support, as well as your honest insight into the challenges I may face, and how best to handle them.

In any event, I am sure that this decision will benefit me for the rest of my life. For the first time in years, I feel like my hard work will be towards a tangible and attainable goal...rather than simply the result of a standard "life plan." For this, I thank all of you for helping me reach this point, and I look forward to sharing many happy stories of adventure for years to come.

PLH,

Nick

P.S. If you have any questions about my future job/my decision making process/etc, please don't hesitate to ask!

To a future 'me': Why I'm choosing the military path

2009-07-20T07:41:00.000-07:00

In the past, I have had a few times where I have made a decision that did not have the outcome I hoped for. Since my views change fairly often, it's been difficult for me to avoid repeating mistakes, since I struggle to remember my line of thought when I made the decision in the first place. With that in mind, I want to lay out my line of thought on why the Air Force is the best option for me at this point in my life. That way, if a future me is regretting that decision, I can look back and see why I made it (and maybe even help motivate myself to stick with it.)

Why the Military?
As I've said before, I find a lot of the military 'discipline' useless for me, but there's no denying that the training you receive turns you into a solid individual. While this aspect of the military is one of it's biggest detriments in my mind, it's easily out shined by the long list of benefits involved with the military. What other job is going to offer me the educational, travel, vacation, athletic, and excitement possibilities that an Air Force job would offer? Few civilian jobs can offer ANY of these benefits, let alone ALL of them.

Why the Air Force?
The Air Force was really the only option for me. I wanted to choose a military lifestyle that wasn't over obsessed with the traditional military views. For example, the Air Force's views on 'taking care of their own people' is light years ahead of the other branches. Their focus on education is also important. But mostly, I liked the idea of having a job that I enjoyed, with minimal chance of being on the 'front lines.'

Why now, when you already got out of it once?
Several factors played into that decision, and I feel like only one of them was really a detriment of the Air Force. As I said in a previous post, ROTC was very difficult to motivate myself to do. This was based in large part on the difference between the ROTC lifestyle, and the lifestyle of the rest of college. It was very easy for me to want to blow off my ROTC duties when I saw my friends playing football and partying. After months of this mindset, it became overwhelming. Coupled with that was the fact that I was facing a decision that would lock the next 12 years of my life. I hadn't viewed ROTC as anything but a pathway to a pilot slot. Therefore, I went in thinking that the commitment would be at least 14 years. As a college student, still figuring out their life-long desires, a commitment like that is not easily made. After viewing the dedication of some of my classmates, it was unclear to me whether this was a path that I would want to take for that long.

Now I stand, a few years of the working world under my belt, and I am still not 100% sure that the Air Force would be a career-long decision for me. However, I have also seen the offerings of another career option that I thought I would enjoy, and I know that it is not the right one for me. Since I have started to think more seriously about my long-term happiness, I am realizing that even if I get into the Air Force and do not enjoy it, the commitment term is short enough that I can still benefit from joining FAR more than I would benefit from another 4-8 years in my current field.

Have you thought about the possibility of hating this even more than your current job?
In short, yes....and it's the sole possibility that has stopped me thus far. But I should mention that while I can't see myself spending a career in this position, I'm not completely unhappy with my current job. The fact that I still consider the Air Force a better option says a lot. However, I'm a huge advocate of loving what you do on a day-to-day, and the prospect that I might not is very scary. I'm making this decision because I know that there's an extremely good chance I WILL enjoy my job...and if I don't, I should be able to use the added benefits enough to look past the day-to-day for a few years, given the benefits it will afford me after that.

Aside from that, my goal is to obtain a job that is ever-changing (such as an aircrew member.) Therefore, if I find myself in a position where I hate getting up and going to work everyday, then hopefully things will not remain that way for long, as I'll be moving on to another duty or base in the near future. In short, the small prospect of a few months or years of discomfort is worth it in favor of the large prospect of enjoying the job I obtain, and the benefits I will enjoy during/after my enlistment.

Why don't you like civilian life? What's wrong with your current job?
I can see myself getting into the military and asking this question. And it's a good one, considering that I am writing this entry while I am at work, and I have no fear about getting in trouble for my actions. The office life offers a comfortable work environment and very set hours. I can easily imagine that my life in the Air Force will not be like that.

However, there are two important things of note about my career field. First, I work with career drafters and designers, and I know for a FACT that I don't want to end up like them. While they make OK money (not great, but OK), most of them are jaded by the fact that they've spent their entire lives in front of a computer screen. They love to complain about little things, and they spend a large portion of their time being upset about trivial parts of their jobs. They are small town people with small town mindsets....and I have no desire to be a 45 year old in a bowling league talking about who is sleeping with who in my home town.

Second, my career field is a dead end. With my degree, I can be a drafter or a designer, and that's about it. If I reach a point where I want to branch out, I will have to do it at my own expense, and it will be extremely difficult. I will basically be starting over with no contacts in my new field, and I will need to go through the schooling and job search process at a much more difficult time in my life. My hope is that with the Air Force, I will make a new set of friends, and at the same time develop contact in different fields that, along with the Air Force benefits, will make any future changes in my life much easier to handle.

Do you understand how difficult it will be to adjust to this lifestyle? You know you struggle to motivate yourself...
I know that one of my biggest problems is my lack of motivation. But it doesn't follow me in every aspect of my life, just those things that I can't really justify doing. If you look at my past, I always do well with things at the beginning, because I see the world of possibilities that it will afford me. However, once I dig deeper into something and see that it's not for me, I fall off quickly. The only areas of my life where this hasn't been the case were things like soccer (which I continued to enjoy immensely the entire time I played) and physical/mental tests (where the results would stay with me, and positively/negatively affect me for years to come.) My hope is that the Air Force will be a good combination of something I enjoy doing very much and something that I can understand it's effect years down the road. And if I reach a point in my life where I begin to question my decision to join the Air Force, I will be able to read this post and be reminded of the reasons for my decision, and hopefully it will set me back on course.

Here's to big, bad decisions...and sticking to them.

2009-07-13T07:33:00.000-07:00

My giant, several-year-long career decision funk is coming very quickly to a head. Like always, I have narrowed down my options to two basic choices, and both seem to have equal merit and risk. In the interest of putting into words the several different aspects of each decision that I have thought about, I'm going to attempt to flesh out my options in this blog, along with the pros and cons of each. Hopefully, this will help me come to a decision, as I'm going to need to make a choice within the next few months...

But first, why do I feel that I must make a decision soon? Basically, I have discovered that the 9-to-5 office life is not for me. When I left Pitt, I did so in large part because I needed to see if I really loved design as much as I thought I did. It was this supposed love that was keeping me from making the long commitment to the Air Force that would have been required of me (ten years). Additionally, I found it difficult to motivate myself in college, so ROTC was complicated by the fact that every single event required me to convince myself to go, which increasingly turned me off to the whole concept.

It's important to note that while I didn't share the enthusiasm of some of my classmates, I didn't wholly dislike the military environment. I find a lot of the "discipline" training trivial, but I feel like if it was an everyday, full-time part of my life, it would become second nature, and therefore insignificant in determining my happiness. In fact, most of the military traditions are just amplified versions of civilian life. For example, both instances offer the possibility of having a superior that you don't agree with or like. The only difference is that in the military, you can not escape this fate.

In fact, it's this mentality that has been the primary source of my denial of this option thus far: the fact that with the military comes a commitment of the next 8 to 12 years of my life. If I get a year or two into it and find out that I don't like it, there is no way to escape it for the next several years. Given my history, I know I am the type of person that gets bored quickly, and this is a very real possibility.

However, the military option definitely has tons of benefits as well. One of my major goals is to get my bachelor's degree, and the military would pay for all of this, as well as help me with the school loans I already have. I would get 30 days paid vacation each year. The income is much better than advertised, and I would actually start out at around the same income that I bring in now, once you include BAH and other benefits. The travel benefits are unmatched, and I would be able to fulfill my desire to travel to the full degree. I would be surrounded each day by people who think like me: athletic, travel-loving people who have faced similar hardships. Finally, the work environment would be ever-changing, both on a day-to-day basis and when I switch bases every few years. In short, if I end up loving my day-to-day job, the military benefits far outweigh the ones I would receive at any civilian job.

Whether I choose that option or not, the goal right now is to put myself in a situation where I can maximize my options, and therefore give myself the best chance to improve my level of happiness. The best way for me to do that right now would be to get my bachelor's degree, and this is the primary source of my second option. The military is certainly not the only way to do that, and I believe it would take longer to do while serving than if I went full time. However, if I choose to stay civilian and try to go back full time, financing becomes a major issue.

Given the amount of school loans I have out already, it's just not possible for me to go back to school on my own dime. I would probably not even be able to get more loans in this financial environment, and I would not want to pay the extra money back even if I was able to get them. This means that if I want to go back, I have to convince a company that I am working for to pay for it. This poses two problems: 1. I would need to already be with a company that I could see myself staying with for the next 5 years (in order to finish my degree and serve 2 years afterward) and 2. I would need to pursue a degree in a major that the company approves and I enjoy. It's extremely unlikely that I will be able to fulfill these scenarios, since 95% of the companies that accept my job title would have me go back to school for engineering. Aside from the major, this option also has the problem of keeping me in the same 9-to-5 desk job environment that I would very much like to escape.

Another side of the civilian option is to find a company that I enjoy working with and gaining experience in my current position while not going back to school. While this will not increase my options, it would further my value (and my paycheck) within my current career field, and increase my chances of securing a better position in the future. However, just like before, it would keep me in the same mundane office environment, without giving me many more options for the future.

The civilian side does have some very tangible benefits to it. The largest benefit to staying civilian is maintaining my freedom. If I get into a job that I don't like, I can easily quit at any time. Also, if I am living in an area that I don't enjoy, I can pick up and move at any time. Aside from career freedom, civilian life also offers a lot of personal freedom. I am free to dress how I please, to go wherever I want and do whatever I want when I am not at work. Also, my hours are very much set in stone, and my boss will rarely, if ever, bother me when I am not at work. Where as in the military, your lifestyle is closely monitored 24/7, a civilian job will not infringe upon your lifestyle, so long as it does not impact your work.

One thing that is very important in this decision is how much I actually practice the freedoms that a civilian life offers. For example, many of the freedoms I would give up in the military are things that I don't really exercise anyway, such as hair length, speaking out against the government, or drug use. Since I do not use these freedoms, I should not place too much emphasis on them. Additionally, I should be certain not to overestimate the "military lifestyle" view of things until I am sure of it's actual impact. Many of the current members of the military claim that it is not much different than an everyday job, and I should do my best to investigate that claim. Finally, I should decide just how important it is to me to have the freedom to change my lifestyle. The military commitment is a calculated risk with a long-term reward or punishment, and I should understand whether or not the benefits to taking that chance outweigh the detriments of civilian life.

To a future 'me': Thoughts on excuses

2009-04-29T05:38:00.000-07:00

I've never condoned the use of excuses to avoid responsibilities for one's problems. I feel like making excuses for why things didn't go your way is the easy way out of doing everything you can to ensure they DO go your way in the future.

However, after a long discussion with my Mom about why things aren't going my way, in which she divulged every possible excuse I could have come up with, I realized that excuses aren't always deflectors of responsibility. Sometimes they are "band-aids."

For example, saying things like "That's just the way things are." or "It takes time." or "If it's meant to be, then it will work out," when used incorrectly, can cause the person saying them to let go of the things that didn't work out. Instead, I realized, these phrases can be used as a temporary remedy to anxiety over not getting your way. Without this temporary relief, the constant attempts to advance towards your goals can burn you out long before you reach them. Every once in a while, then, it pays to just chalk up your inadequacies to fate....at least for a day.

In my life, this idea manifests itself in my desire to lead a more "free" life. My immediate reaction is to want this lifestyle NOW, before I am too old to enjoy it. However, I've realized that I must first take care of my debts, gain experience in my field, and polish myself as a person before I can take the leap in lifestyle.

So if a future version of myself is reading this, looking for insight in a time of despair, remember this: If it's meant to be, it will work out. It takes time. But, most importantly, only remember these things for a little bit...

Give me a rowboat or give me death

2009-04-20T06:05:00.000-07:00

Perhaps it's appropriate that I want to move to an island. Because sometimes, I feel like I'm already on one.

I don't claim to be strong enough, smart enough, or fast enough to join the world's rich; floating around the Caribbean in their super yachts, powered by the automated cash flow that years of superb decision making has awarded them. And yet I always wondered what, if anything, separated me from them. Perhaps I, too, could float around the Caribbean, if only in a sailboat, kept afloat by a small business or remote career. Certainly this lifestyle isn't just for the ultra wealthy, right?

Everything I had learned up until about a year ago told me that only by becoming a millionaire could I live out such a fantasy. However, I'm starting to believe that with the proper motivation, anyone can achieve this lifestyle. Unfortunately, it just takes a little longer than I had hoped. I'm a person who wants immediate results; I won't do many things that don't show me a benefit on-the-spot. Aside from being a bad life motto to begin with, this belief makes it very difficult to take the painful, necessary steps towards a care-free lifestyle...especially when you are unsure what steps to take and how successful they will ultimately be.

I do know one thing for certain: there are three levels of living. One is the basics; food, shelter, some form of companionship. These are the things that everyone requires to survive, and there are people who survive on just this. The second is the American lifestyle; a life of excess, a life of bigger, faster, more....now. And somewhere in between is the lifestyle of contentedness. A life where you do not struggle to provide for yourself, in part because you do not require as much. You are happy with a few small comforts and a deep connection with your fellow man.

This is the lifestyle I seek. And I fear I am one of the few in this area. Each day, I watch more of my friends dedicating more of their time to doing more work to make more money to buy more unnecessary things to have more....more, more, more. They are proud to be Americans. I, on the other hand, am an agent of better. My life will not be defined by accumulation of wealth, but by accumulation of experience. And that mindset has no place here.

Wherever I end up, you can be certain it will be a place that embraces the concept of better experiences over more possessions. I just hope it's not only accessible by yacht.

A tall order

2009-01-27T06:58:00.000-08:00

As you may have gathered by now, I am a big proponent of getting the real story behind socially accepted 'truths.' Not surprisingly, this often does not agree with the public view of things, and I go to great lengths to make sure my own beliefs are founded upon things other than rumor and social proof.

Having said that, I have long believed that the decision making process that goes into choosing our leaders goes well beyond the public perception. Even with the acknowledgment and supposed defiance of the modern man to certain prejudices, everyone is subject to influences that we may not even be aware of. And in many ways, these influences are much more dangerous than the ones we can attempt to consciously ignore.

For example, everyone is aware of the long and well documented history of prejudice against African-Americans. Similarly, everyone is aware of the trials women have had to endure through the years. Because of this awareness, we have learned to respect these people equally or, at the very least, to compensate for our natural prejudice. But what are we to do in the face of a prejudice which we are unaware we possess? We like to think we are in control of our emotions, but often times we know little more or our bias than what society makes us aware of.

Perhaps the largest of these 'blind biases' is the height bias. Height bias is our unconscious tendency to favor taller people in positions of power. It stems from our genetic desire for security, which the larger, more intimidating of our ancestors were better equipped to provide. However, the true danger of this bias lies in it's social acceptability; not only are we blissfully unaware of this bias as a whole, but the few members of our society who pay attention to it do not accept it as a serious threat. In fact, about half of people polled believe that a person's height does not affect his ability to succeed in society.

But how much do we really know about this bias? Are we really equipped to claim it's effectiveness is so low? The answer, of course, is no. To find the true measure of this bias, one need only look at the leaders of our country. For example, the United States has held 54 presidential elections. The shorter candidate in these elections has one the popular vote only 11 times. Of the Fortune 500 CEOs, 97% are over 5'7" tall, and the average height is 3 inches above the national average. Countless times in popular media, shorter men are ridiculed for their height in ways that would seem discriminatory if based on race or sex.

Even Darwin shows us that this bias has existed long beyond it's necessity. For example, it is commonly believed that Napoleon was excessively short. However, the English translation of Napoleon's height puts him at approximately 5'6" tall, which actually made him slightly taller than the average Frenchman of his time. Since then, the average height of a male has gone up nearly 4 inches. This is solid proof that taller males are considerably more successful at mating than shorter ones.

So how do we prevent this from happening? It's tempting to consider professional training as the correct answer. However, height bias begins long before we hit the workforce. In fact, grade school bullying is much higher amongst shorter students, and it's easy to draw the connection to the lower self esteem measured in shorter adults. Perhaps this is a sign that the remedy to our prejudice begins with proper parenting. Parents need to explain to their children the effects of discrimination against ANYone, not just those groups with well documented struggles. Only then will we be able to live in a world where the little guy truly can come out on top.

End of the Year

2008-12-30T06:31:00.000-08:00

Well here we are...we have finally reached the end of 2008. To say that this has been an eventful year for me would be an understatement, and I can only hope that is a good thing. I've rode a roller coaster of emotions this year, and unfortunately that ride has ended on a very large down hill slide. However, as with every new year, there comes with it the hope that we can turn things around; that we can realize our dreams in 2009.

My dreams have been several years in the making and, I will admit, it has taken many sacrifices on the part of those close to me to help me get there....many times, even more sacrifices that I have had to make myself. This is not something I am proud of, and it is my largest goal in the new year to take my life changes and desires under my own responsibility.

The good news that I can take away from 2008 is that I have a much clearer vision of what I would like to do with my life. Although I have bounced around since graduating high school, I have learned that the expectations placed on me by family and friends are meaningless if they do not align with my own desires....and most of the time, they do not align much at all. However, my family has fought through their own desires for my life, in support of my pursuit of happiness, and I finally feel like our efforts have started to pay off.

I know now that, at least on a large scale, the career field I have chosen was the correct one for me. I have since struggled with choosing a specialty (a necessary evil for someone in my field with practically zero experience,) but I at least have spent this year gaining some knowledge of the field. And although each passing day that I spend in my current position brings me closer to a life that I do not want to lead, I know that if I am willing to put in the work, I can get to a place where I am happy. This one step- being able to at least see the beginnings of the path I need to take, even if I may not know exactly where it leads- is one of the most important realizations I have ever came to in my life.

But what is the next step for me? I already feel like I am coming to another crossroads in my life; one that I have seen in the distance for some time. And even though I have had quite some time to consider, it is a difficult task to make such a large decision...no matter how much information you gather.

My decision boils down to two basic options: I can stay in this area and search for a position where I would be able to make a little more money (or perhaps pick up a part time job with a few more hours.) Or, I can pack up my things and move to another part of the country. Each decision has a long list of pros and cons involved, but I can't help but think that it comes down to how much change I really want in my life. Do I want to go to a place where I will start completely fresh, and build a new life from scratch? Or do I want to do the extensive and tedious polishing of my current life that would be required to get to where I want to be?

One of the things that has always been true of me is that I hate monotony. I welcome change, and I welcome it by the bushel. In most cases, however, these changes have placed enormous strain on those around me...and it was not until this year that I realized that I should not do that anymore. But just how big of a change can I really take? Do I only welcome change because the core of my life has always been intact? It's easy to wipe the surface off and start fresh, but what happens when you start to dig underneath? Am I ready, or do I even really want THAT much change?

Unfortunately, there is no answer to that question that can be found without actually experiencing it...and this may be the one factor that pushes me towards taking the leap. Because at worst, I am miserable with my new life for a while, and I come home to repair my old one. But at best, I find out something about myself that can be a catalyst for bigger, better changes in my life.

In the spirit of celebration, then, I will offer two New Year's resolutions that I intend to keep this year. First and foremost, I will treasure those close to me...those that have sacrificed much so that I may pursue my dreams. I will do this by taking full responsibility for my actions, and by respecting the sacrifices they have made to help me to find my path. Second, I will have the courage to make the big changes in my life; the ones that will require my own sacrifice above all else. And hopefully, at the end of 2009, I will be able to say that I am happy with my life....whether it be new or old.

Guess you can't fight your nature

2008-10-01T10:21:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've had a girlfriend.

I'm not sure what it is, but as of late, I've struggled mightily with women. The odd thing is, I possess most of the traits that women seem to want in a man. I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm confident, I can be kind of a dick, etc. However, when it comes down to it, I always somehow manage to screw something up.

I'm sure a large part of my lack of success comes from my beliefs. For example, I loathe the time-honored tradition of men chasing women. Even with all the fighting for equality we've seen recently, it still seems that 98% of the time, men are forced to prove themselves as worthy partners for a woman. Rarely, if ever, will you see a woman chasing around another man...and even if you do, it's likely the man has already proven himself by being in a position of power, being a celebrity, or something similar.

Because of this belief, every time I approach a woman I am fighting my own moral values. Am I only talking to her because I want to prove I am "worthy"? Am i structuring my conversation in a way that would make her think I am desirable, even if it means not being totally honest? Am I placing too much emphasis on her beauty? Despite my constant attempt to change, the very nature of man has me answering "yes" to most of these questions.

I believe that years of facing this conflict, coupled with a few bad experiences with past relationships, have virtually closed me off to the possibility of letting another woman into my life. And the problem is, I think women can intuitively know this when we are talking. Or at least I hope that is the issue. I immediately come across badly, and I struggle to change that image of me.

Of course, after years of dealing with this, I am used to being single. However, as of late I've began to feel pretty lonely. Most of my friends have moved away, and the few that I have remaining are either in serious relationships or have dated consistently for several years. The weight of these influences has finally started to take it's toll on me, and recently it's all I can think about. How can I turn my image around and become attractive to women once again? I can only hope the answer will come to me soon. But even more importantly, I hope the answer won't make me choose between my moral values and my genetic desires.

Why must we fit the mold?

2008-09-17T10:17:00.000-07:00

The vice president at the company for whom I work spend a good half an hour with me today discussing my future within the company. While most of these discussions end badly, this one was basically a 30 minute suggestion on why I should get my engineering degree, so I can move up further and make more money than I ever could with an Associate's Degree. He gave me the usual speech about how smart I am, and how much I could be doing with my life, and so on and so forth.

While his intentions were good, he told me nothing I haven't heard several times before. I've spent the last five years of my life being told that I should become an engineer. And I avoid the debate, because I know if I told them what I was thinking, they wouldn't understand. They would call me lazy, they would mark my lack of motivation, and they would despise me for not using my birth-given talents to my full potential.

But the truth of the matter is this: I don't want to be an engineer. I've spent two years at universities pursuing an engineering degree, and the one thing I've learned is that I don't want to lead that life. The year I've spent on the workforce, using my two-year degree, has confirmed that very same sentiment. Put plainly, I think the job that 99% of engineers perform, while necessary and very beneficial to the economy, is boring. And yet, I am pushed to pursue that lifestyle by everyone who knows me, mostly because of two major beliefs: that you should try to rise as high as you can in the workplace, and you should try to make as much money as you can.

Now granted, being an engineer would provide me the opportunity to rise quite high within any company I choose to work for. Additionally, being an engineer would make my financial issues much easier to manage. But the question I want to ask everyone is "At what price?" Is it really worth it to go to a job everyday that you don't enjoy, just so you can have a nicer car or house? Does it pay to be bored with 50% of your waking hours, just so you can buy more expensive jeans? I am, more than most, a person who hates the 8 hour workday. Would I really want to work another couple hours every day, just for a little more financial security? I just don't think it's worth it.

The ironic thing is that this is generally frowned upon. It is so emblazoned into our minds, even in grade school, that we should do our best at all times, that anyone speaking out on the contrary is looked down on. Few people will pause to realize that "lack of motivation" is, more often than not, merely a desire for a relaxed lifestyle. If someone is making enough money to get by, and they choose not to take on any more responsibility, they are generally scorned for their decision. In reality, however, this person has just chosen comfort and free time over fast cars and expensive toys.

The problem is that there is no distinction between what those "toys" are. In our society, an eye-opening trip to another country is often times more difficult to realize than buying several unnecessary articles of clothing. Most Americans will spend more in a year on McDonalds than they will in a lifetime on things that will truly help them grow as a person.

And this is the issue that I face: I have so many things that I want to do, and most of them don't involve ultra-modern technology, exotic transportation, or expensive clothes. And yet, because I'm not willing to sacrifice a job I enjoy in favor of one that pays well, I will not be able to do the things I want to do in my life. This just goes to show you that in America, despite popular belief, you can't have your dreams and live them too…